Think Faster, Talk Smarter: Matt Abrahams on Mastering High-Stakes Communication

Athena Koutsonikolas: Hi, everyone. Welcome to a brand new Aspire to Inspire Podcast episode. My name is Athena Koutsonikolas, and I’m the vice president of marketing in North America at Staffbase. Today, I’m joined by Matt Abrahams. He’s a Stanford professor, celebrated author, and the host of an award-winning podcast titled “Think Fast, Talk Smart,” which is also the name of his best-selling book, which I happen to be a big fangirl of this book, and I have it right here, Matt.

And today, we’re tackling one of the most critical and often terrifying skills for any leader, and that’s communicating under pressure. Matt has coached everyone, from CEOs to Nobel Prize winners to TED speakers, and even UN leaders. And he’s helped them communicate clearly, confidently, and spontaneously. We’ve all been there, right? Freezing up in a meeting, fumbling through your words in an interview, or only thinking of that perfect response right after the moment has passed.

So today, we’re going to unpack how to think faster and speak smarter rather in high-pressure moments, some science-backed techniques to overcome speaking anxiety, and why great communication is about connection, not perfection. We’re also going to dive into some practical tips as well that you can start using right now to become a more confident speaker. So with that, I’d like to get started with the first question. Matt, you’ve worked with CEOs, TED speakers, UN leaders. What’s one skill that truly separates exceptional communicators from the rest?

Matt Abrahams: Well, first, thank you for having me on the show. I am very excited to be here and to have this conversation. So anyone who is successful at communication, I believe, is really good at focusing on the needs of the audience they speak to. So many of us, when we communicate, fixate and focus on just broadcasting the information out. And that’s a fundamental mistake. You need to really be thinking about, “What is it that the audience needs to hear?” It’s not what you want to say; it’s what they need. And I believe the most effective communicators are those who understand the needs of their audience and tailor their messaging and their delivery to focus on those needs.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Yeah, got it. And one of the key insights that I referenced earlier was how you talk about this notion of clarity trumping complexity. What’s a simple mindset shift that leaders can adopt to avoid over-explaining and instead make their messages really stick?

Matt Abrahams: Right. So, my mother has this saying that I think applies to all of us when we communicate, and it’s “Tell the time, don’t build the clock.” Many of us, especially those of us who have deep knowledge in our subject areas, we suffer from the curse of knowledge and the curse of passion. And because of that, we tend to say more than we need to or go deeper, more quickly, or use jargon or acronyms.

So the goal in communication is to get your point across. We need to be thinking first about “What’s the bottom line?” and then have a clear goal in mind to communicate that. To me, a goal has three parts: information, emotion, and action. What is it I want my audience to know? How do I want them to feel, and what do I want them to do? Know, feel, do. And when you do that, when you have the bottom line and then you have a clear goal, that helps you focus.

Now, the other part of your question was about what I call accessibility. Many people communicate very complex ideas, technical, financial, scientific, and you need to have a certain level of knowledge to understand it. So we must make sure that we make it accessible. We don’t dumb it down. That can get you into a whole bunch of trouble. Instead, you have to think about tools and techniques, once you’re focused, to make it accessible.

For example, use analogies, maybe use images and diagram, backward maps, start at the end and explain how you got there. So there are a whole bunch of tools to make content accessible. But first, you have to be focused and tell the time; don’t build that clock.

 Athena Koutsonikolas: I love that. Tell the time; don’t build the clock. I want to double-click on something that you just noted there, around accessibility, and it’s around being able to connect with a cross-section of the community. Now, you’ve studied the nuances of communicating across different cultures and different languages. What is your best advice for leaders managing global teams and ensuring their messages are resonating worldwide?

Matt Abrahams: Absolutely. And culture and context loom large in all communication, and we have to pay attention to them for sure. First, it’s just asking the question is, are there unique factors or features of a particular culture or context? And it doesn’t have to just mean country of origin or different places, it could be different departments have different cultures themselves. So first, you just need to ask the question, “Are there things at play here that I need to consider?”

So this is part of that audience focus and audience-centricity that I talked about. The next thing you have to do is think about “What are the appropriate channels and important contextual factors that I need to include?” So for example, is it better for me to do something live in person, virtually, or to send a message first? Do I need to translate what I’m saying into a particular language, or do I use the native language that I’m comfortable with?

So we just have to do an extended thought process through the different factors that might be at play. And it could be very different for different parts of the organization, be they geographically based or perhaps functionally based.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Got it, got it, so preparation is key.

Matt Abrahams: Preparation is key in all communication, even spontaneous communication.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Okay. Well, I’m glad that you raised that topic because I’m about to put you in the hot seat now with some spontaneous questions.

Matt Abrahams: Okay, I’m ready, I’m ready.

Athena Koutsonikolas: So I have to say, Matt, one of the concepts from your podcast that really resonated with me was this notion of BLUF or Bottom Line Up Front. So for our listeners or those watching, BLUF is a communication standard used in the US Army. It mandates that any written or oral communication should start with the most important information, which is the bottom line. And this approach is designed to ensure clarity and directness in all communications.

And the purpose of BLUF is to deliver those key messages right at the beginning. And one of the things that I love about BLUF is that it encourages brevity, which is often needed in a very fast-paced moving environment, which we’re all operating in. Matt, what are the times when leaders shouldn’t practice BLUF? Are there any exceptions?

Matt Abrahams: Certainly. I think the first thing that comes to my mind is when there is some type of emotion at play, it is important not to be overly brief and concise. Emotion takes time. And so if you are announcing something that has some emotional impact, be it positive or negative, probably the negative is more important to be thinking about this, but you need to give it space, and you need to give it time.

And you might ask questions, rather than make declarations. Questions invite more to be said. So I think the number one place where we have to really question “Is brevity the best response?” is where emotion is at play. I think the second place would be where complexity is playing out. Sometimes we can be overly brief and do injustice to the complexity of what’s involved.

So those would be the two areas where I would advise people to think about what is needed in terms of the processing and the depth that is involved, and think about “How do we give more space for that?” Now that doesn’t mean that you meander and you just go on and on, but it might be I take that bottom line up front, and while I still portray what’s important, I give that space for the conversation to happen.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Yeah, very helpful advice. Thank you. And what’s maybe a phrase or habit that can instantly make someone a better communicator?

Matt Abrahams: I wish there were just one phrase that could make somebody an amazing communicator. So I’m going to give you a couple of phrases. First, might be “What’s in it for my audience? What’s the value for them?” And really thinking about, from the audience’s perspective, how could they take value? I think if you ask that, that’s important.

I think asking yourself, “What’s the bottom line of what I’m trying to get across?” Because that can really root and focus you. And then I also think the final question, the third, would be, “How can I make this content engaging?” I believe the most precious commodity in the world today is attention, getting attention, and more importantly, sustaining attention is critical. And I define sustained attention as engagement.

So,  what’s the value for my audience? What’s the bottom line, and how do I make it engaging? If we ask ourselves any of those questions, but particularly all three together, I think we become a better, more compelling communicator.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Got it. Now, for a slightly different avenue, what is your go-to technique for handling some of those tough, unexpected questions? Think about the types of questions that politicians might have to field.

Matt Abrahams: So, for me, the go-to strategy for Q&A in circumstances where it’s challenging is to use paraphrasing. Paraphrasing is an amazing technique. Let me define what I mean by it. Paraphrasing is not parroting back what someone says. Rather, it’s understanding what’s the crux of what they’ve said, and commenting on it. It could be a big, formal paraphrase. “What I hear you asking is,” and I repeat some version of it in my own words, or it could be just highlight one word, and then move from there.

Here’s the power of paraphrasing. Not only does it validate the question, like, “I heard it right.” There’s no sense answering a question you were not asked. It also validates the asker. It feels good when somebody paraphrases you. So it’s a way of building connection. It’s a way of demonstrating, “I’m concerned and care.” Additionally, it buys time. Paraphrasing is what we academics call a lower-order cognitive skill.

In other words, you can do it and be thinking about something else, like my answer. And then, finally, and I’m not advising that people do this necessarily, but paraphrasing allows you to do it. It allows you to reframe the question a little bit to make it more comfortable for you to answer. I’m not saying be a politician and answer the question you wanted versus the one you’ve got. But let me give you an example if you’ll allow me.

Imagine I’m a salesperson selling something, and you ask me a very tough question like, “Why are you so expensive compared to your competitors?” That’s a hard question. Now, I certainly don’t want to paraphrase it by saying, “ So you’re asking why we’re more expensive.” Bad idea. I’m just reinforcing that. But what I might say is, “The value of our product is,” do what I just did there?

I paraphrased your question about price into value, and then I give you our value proposition, and at the end of the value proposition, I then say, “And because of the value we provide, we charge the price we do.” So I do answer the question about price, but I reframe it in the paraphrase to make it slightly easier for me. Now, certainly, that is fraught with some potential challenges, and you have to be careful doing that.

But paraphrasing, to me, is the go-to way to handle challenging questions. It buys you time. It makes sure you’re answering the right question. And if appropriate, it allows you to reframe the question a little bit to help you answer it more comfortably.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Got it. So in this context, would you say the paraphrasing that you’re describing, it’s almost like a repackaging technique?

Matt Abrahams: It certainly is. And I think that’s a great analogy for what it’s doing. It’s repackaging for you and, in many cases, the audience. Paraphrasing does other things, too. So it helps the audience better understand and connects them to what you’ve said, to what you’re about to say. So yes, it is a way of reframing, repackaging to help you.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Thank you. Now I’d like to delve into more of the craft of communication, especially when it comes to things like overcoming anxiety to be a better communicator. And in your book, “Think Faster, Talk Smarter,” it really helps people succeed in these high-pressure speaking moments. What inspired you to write it, and why do so many of us struggle with spontaneous communication?

Matt Abrahams: Oh, there’s a lot to that question. So I was inspired to write the book for a couple of reasons. One, my entire life, I have spent speaking spontaneously, simply because my last name starts with the letter A. I was always in school, I knew exactly where I would sit. Many teachers, most teachers sit students alphabetically. My last name is AB. Very rarely have I ever had anybody go before me. I would always go first.

So I have been a victim of spontaneous speaking, but also, I feel like it’s developed into a superpower because I’ve just gotten used to it. So that’s part of it. And then, the other part is about 10 years ago, the deans of Stanford’s Business School, where I teach, came to me and said, “We have this problem. Our incredibly bright students are struggling with cold calling.” Athena, you might remember in school where the professor would say, “What do you think?” And you had to respond on the spot.

Well, that’s hard. And many of our students were really struggling. They said, “As the communication person on campus, can you help?” And so I did a deep dive into psychology, communication, neuroscience, anthropology, and even improvisation, and did a lot of research and study, and created a methodology that we offered to our students. And to this day, within the first two weeks of class, every school year, our students go through this content, and it has helped them feel more comfortable and confident speaking in the moment.

So it was born out of my own experience, but also a direct need of our students. And it turns out that methodology can be applied by anybody, and that’s where I was motivated to write the book because I knew this was a problem many people faced because of the podcast I host, “Think Fast, Talk Smart,” where a lot of the audience will say, “Hey, I’m really struggling with this.” So it was a confluence of all those things that led to writing the book. And the good news is, it seems to be helping people, and I feel wonderfully blessed to be helping people communicate in the moment.

Athena Koutsonikolas: I love that. And it’s great learning about the impetus for the book as well, getting a back story, super interesting. Back to the book, so you outlined this very comprehensive six-step framework for thinking and speaking on the spot. Can you share one of the most powerful techniques from that method?

Matt Abrahams: Sure. The methodology and the book are divided, really, into two parts. There’s the mindset and the messaging. And if you’ll allow me, I’d like to give an example from each of those two. So when it comes to mindset, perhaps the foundational place to start is anxiety. Many of us are nervous about speaking, regardless of context, but particularly spontaneous speaking. So we need to manage that anxiety, and when it comes to managing anxiety, you have to manage symptoms and sources.

Lots of things you can do to manage the physical symptoms. The best thing to do is deep belly breathing. It slows down your autonomic system. Happy to talk more about that, but you also have to deal with the sources of that anxiety. One big source, and this is a big unlock for many people, is we put this incredible pressure on ourselves when we communicate at all, but especially spontaneously, to do it right.

We want to give the perfect answer, the best feedback. We want to be the most interesting in small talk. And that pressure we put on ourselves makes it more likely that we won’t do well, and we’ll be more nervous. So I like to say it’s about connection, not perfection. By focusing on connecting with your audience and getting your point to them, rather than saying it the right way, you can reduce that pressure, and there are a whole bunch of ways in the book I talk about it, but it boils down to cognitive load.

When you are constantly judging and evaluating, you have less cognitive bandwidth to focus on what you’re doing. So when it comes to mindset, addressing anxiety, I think, is critical. When it comes to messaging, what’s really, really important and super helpful is structure, frameworks. In the moment when I have to respond, I have to decide what to say and how to say it. Structure helps you with the how-to-say-it part. It’s a recipe.

I’m a lousy cook, but I’m a better cook when I follow a recipe. So there are lots of structures you can use. The book is full of them. The structure I always share that people already know, if you’ve ever watched a television advertisement, you’ve seen problem, solution, benefit. There’s some issue challenge in the world, the product or service resolves it, you benefit. That’s how most advertisements are written. That’s a structure.

If you ask me to persuade you in the moment or sell you on something, that’s tough, but if I say, “Okay, I’m going to identify a problem, I’m going to talk about how I solve it, and then tell you the benefits,” then it becomes easier. So, mindset and messaging, focus on anxiety management, focus on structure. Those are two big hacks and unlocks to be better in spontaneous speaking.

Athena Koutsonikolas: And then, just let’s double-click on the anxiety. You talk about this notion of connection, not perfection. How do leaders embrace this when they’re feeling that sense of anxiety, when they’re feeling under pressure? Are there techniques and methods that you’ve offered in the past?

Matt Abrahams: Yeah so, I am a huge fan. All of my students, for the over 20-plus years I’ve been teaching, I ask all of my students to create an anxiety management plan. The very first book I wrote was called “Speaking Up Without Freaking Out.” And it identifies 50 academically validated techniques for managing anxiety. So I walk my students through, the people I coach, I walk them through, on the podcast we talk about these.

There are myriad techniques to manage anxiety. Everybody needs to find the ones that work for them, and then you create a plan. If you have three to five of these techniques that you can deploy, it can really help you in the moment or in the buildup to the moment that you speak. So if you’re okay with it, I’ll share my anxiety management plan. I’ve been using this one for years.

So first and foremost, I will take some deep belly breaths. And what the research shows is it’s not the inhalation, it’s the exhalation that’s so important. I like to say the rule of thumb, or jokingly, the rule of lung, is you want your exhale to be twice as long as your inhale. I take a three-count in and a six-count out. I do that two or three times. That reduces my heart rate. That calms me down.

Now, I have another symptom of anxiety that, really, I’m very self-conscious of.

I blush, I turn red, and I perspire. So if you hold something cold in the palms of your hand, it actually reduces your core body temperature, which makes you blush and sweat less. You know, on a cold morning, if you’ve ever held a warm cup of tea or coffee and it warms you up, we’re just doing that in reverse. So I’ll take some deep breaths. I’ll hold a cold bottle of water. I will then tell myself I have value to bring. I believe in positive affirmations.

Many of us, when we’re put on the spot or when we’re speaking in a planned situation, we say all this negative stuff to ourselves, like “Oh, that other person did so much better. I should have prepared more. I can’t believe I’m in this situation.” So if you replace that with something somewhat positive, like “I have value to bring.” And then the final thing I do, and you’re going to find this very silly, I say tongue twisters out loud.

And I say tongue twisters out loud because, for two reasons, one, it warms up my voice. If you’ve ever been an athlete or played a musical instrument, or sung, you warm up first. We need to do the same when we speak, but also it causes me to get present-oriented. I can be very distracted by my thoughts about what I’m doing next or what happens if I don’t succeed. So to get present-oriented really helps me.

Before we did this podcast, I said my tongue twister three times to get me warmed up. So that’s my anxiety management plan. That’s four techniques. There are many, many other techniques. Not every technique works for every person. An anxiety management plan is an experiment. You have to run it several times to find what works, and once it works, it’s gold. It can really help.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Super great tips there. Thank you for those. So you talked a little bit about those big fears around anxiety, the freezing up, the saying the wrong thing. How could someone recover from a verbal misstep without losing credibility? And when I ask this question, I think of a news anchor that might misstep and has thousands of eyes watching them in that moment.

Matt Abrahams: Yes, it’s so funny you bring up a news anchor. So we just released, on “Think Fast, Talk Smart,” a mini-series about speaking spontaneously, and one of the people . . . So I interviewed six people whose jobs it is to speak spontaneously, and the whole third episode in the mini-series is “What do you do when you screw up?” And one of the people I interviewed, Annabelle Williams, is a news broadcaster in Australia, and she has had some doozies of some mistakes.

So in that moment where something happens, a few things. First, you have to make a critical, fast decision. “Is this something that has to be corrected now or not?” We all make mistakes when we speak. We say something wrong. We don’t go into enough detail. We miss a step. In that moment, you have to decide, “Is this critical?” What you base that decision on is up to you. Is it vital? Is there risk or danger from what I said, et cetera?

Often, what we know is a mistake others don’t perceive as a mistake. We know what we intended to say, but the audience didn’t. So often, these mistakes that we feel we’ve made aren’t even seen as mistakes. So we have to make that initial decision. If the decision in the moment is to correct, then I think you simply stop and correct at an appropriate time. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Not “Oh my goodness, I made a mistake I can’t believe I made.”

No, just “Oh, let me check that and go back and just state it again.” People are very forgiving. We feel we’re always being judged as if we’re on one of those talent shows on TV. We’re not. We’re not. There’s actually something in psychology called the spotlight effect. Many of us feel like we’re always under the spotlight, but the reality is everybody feels that way, so rather than people shining their spotlight on you, it’s on them, and people are judging you less.

So the biggest thing you have to do is make the decision, “Do I respond or not?” Second, if you do decide to respond, just float it in, don’t make a big deal out of it, and then have a little grace on yourself. You don’t have to ruminate. You don’t have to beat yourself up. I like to define mistakes as missed takes. You know, in television and film, they’ll do several takes of a scene. When something goes wrong, I just say, “Oh, Take 1. Now it’s Take 2,” and you just move on. We blow these things up often more than they deserve to be.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Yes, and I love the concept of introducing levity as well.

Matt Abrahams: Ah, thank you, yes. Levity can be really helpful in those moments. Again, it depends on the context. If you’re talking about something very serious, levity can be a bit of a challenge, but sure, especially if it’s directed at yourself, right?

Athena Koutsonikolas: Yes, it’s a little different everyone loves a little bit of self-deprecation, but yes, I bet you’re right, context is important.

Matt Abrahams: There’s a lovely example. I interviewed an NFL referee, Brad Rogers. He’s on, millions of people watch him speak spontaneously, and he made a pretty significant mistake, although not consequential, and he made fun of it, and people enjoyed it and excused it. And if you can do that, it’s a great way to get out of that circumstance.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Great. Another question around the book, so in “Think Faster, Talk Smarter,” you introduced this idea of using “yes and,” thinking from improv, right? How can this approach help us sound more natural and engaging in conversations? 

Matt Abrahams: I am a huge fan of improvisation. I am not an expert at it, but I enjoy trying to get better. Improvisation is a mindset beyond just being a practice, and one of the foundational tenets of improvisation is “yes and.” What “yes and” is, it’s really a mindset. It’s looking for commonality and connection. And when we communicate, communication is all about connection. In fact, the word “communication” comes from the root “to make common.”

The way you make something common is through connection. So it’s very powerful and important to work to connect. Having a “yes and” mindset opens you up to possibilities. So when I am in a conversation, and perhaps it turns conflictual or contentious, rather than entrenching myself in my position and you in your position, I look for commonality. Where is there something that we can say “yes and” to?

Maybe we’re diametrically opposed on the approach, but we both agree that doing something is important. That’s the “yes and” moment, and that’s where we can find time to connect. When I take a “yes and” approach, it draws me in. It helps me be more expansive. It helps me be more present. And all of those things help communication. So I challenge everybody to just take an approach where you see it as an opportunity.

I am certainly not saying that you say yes to everything. That’s not the approach. It’s looking for opportunity in communication. And conversely, when I am initiating conversation, it’s providing opportunities for other people. So think about small talk. Many of us in small talk think that the goal of small talk is to be interesting, to ace the ball over the net, if we were playing tennis.

But in fact, effective small talk is more about being interested. I learned this from Rachel Greenwald, a guest on my podcast. You want to be interested, not interesting. And instead of acing the ball over the net, think of it more like hacky sack, that beanbag game where you just try to pass it back and forth. And the whole goal is to set your partner up so they can pass it back to you. That’s a “yes and” mindset.

So w hen I have a small talk with you, I’m not thinking about, “I got to say something great so you don’t have anything to say.” I want to say something that invites you to say something back. That’s “yes and.”

Athena Koutsonikolas: Okay. More on small talk, I think I’ve been doing small talk all wrong. How should we be approaching small talk?

Matt Abrahams: I doubt you’ve been doing it all wrong. When I wrote the book, the last part of the book, the second part of the book, has six chapters on specific spontaneous speaking situations and gives advice on those: how to answer questions, how to apologize, how to give feedback, how to pitch something in the moment. And the last chapter I added almost as an afterthought was small talk.

It turns out, small talk has been the topic people have been more interested in than anything else. It kind of surprised me, but I understand it. Big things happen in small talk, but it’s incredibly awkward. So the first thing to think about in small talk is exactly what I had just mentioned. It’s about being interested, not interesting, which means the goal is just to keep the conversation going, and you can learn from it.

How do you do that? Well, you ask questions. You notice things in the environment and comment on them. You do what my mother-in-law did. My mother-in-law had a black belt in small talk. She was amazing, and her superpower was three simple words: tell me more. By simply asking somebody to say more, you connect, you learn more. A lot of it is approach.

The other thing that really holds people up in small talk is “How do you start it, and how do you end it?” So you start simply by observing something or commenting on something that is in the environment. It doesn’t take much. I recall I was at a conference, and I didn’t know anybody at the conference, and we had just heard the keynote, and we were then lining up for a buffet.

And I’m standing next to this gentleman I don’t know. And I look around the room, and people are all wearing different shades of blue. It wasn’t a uniform or anything. I turned to the guy, I said, “I must have missed the memo. Everybody’s wearing blue.” He paused and looked around, and said, “You’re right.” And that’s all it took for us to start a conversation and he and I have become friends. When I travel to his city, I visit him.

He does the same when he comes here. And all I did was start with an observation. So we feel like we have to start with some amazing opening line. You don’t. It’s just something simple. And then the bigger problem I think is, how do you get out of it? A lot of us don’t start small talk because we don’t know how to end it. Those of us who try to end it, we often rely on biology. “Oh, I got to go to the bathroom. I’m hungry. I’m thirsty.” And that can backfire.

I was talking to this guy once when I wanted to get out of the conversation. I said, “Oh, excuse me, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” He said, “Oh, me, too.” Now, the conversation continued in a much more awkward way. Rachel Greenwald, again, the woman who told me interested, not interesting, has this wonderful way of exiting. It’s called the white flag approach. It’s not a white flag for surrender.

In auto racing, they wave the white flag to signal the last lap. So if you and I, Athena, are in a small talk conversation, I might say, “In a few moments, I need to go over there, and I want to chat with that person. Before we go, I want to dive a little deeper into this one topic.” So what I’ve done there is I’ve signaled that in a few minutes, I’m going to exit. You’re aware of it, I’m aware of it. We can both prepare for it. But I want to just have a little bit more of a conversation. And it is such a graceful, elegant way to exit. So what do you think? Are those techniques . . .  

Athena Koutsonikolas: I love that. I love the idea of seeding the exit because I’m one of those people, I get in those situations where it’s like, I really need to go. I have to dash to my next meeting or my next appointment, but I’m enjoying the conversation. I’ve never tried that approach before. I’m going to add it to my repertoire. Thank you.

Matt Abrahams: Well, great. And let me know how it goes. Let me know how it goes. It’s fun.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Most definitely. Matt, as we wrap things up, I’d love to put you on the spot one more time. You have coached so many incredible speakers, from CEOs that are preparing for IPO roadshows to high-stakes negotiations. If you could share just one tactic with our listeners today that instantly boosts confidence and executive presence, what would it be?

Matt Abrahams: Oh, you asked me for one. I’m going to give you two, one in each category. So whenever you communicate, you have to be concerned with the content, what you’re saying, and then how you’re saying it. Let me give you a best practice for each. In terms of content, especially for senior leaders, especially for people wishing to connect, so if you’re giving a huge talk and you really want to connect with the audience, break those barriers down.

Questions first. Start with a question, a provocative question, a polling question, a question you don’t really expect an answer to. Questions lead to engagement. Your brain responds differently when I ask a question versus when I tell you something. So something that’s a huge unlock for many people is leading with questions. That’s number one. Number two, in terms of presence, what’s really important is how you hold your body.

The very first thing people see is your body, be it virtual or in person. And you want your body to be three things: big, balanced, and still. Big, balanced, and still signal confidence. You pull your shoulder blades down. That makes you bigger. You’re not puffing your chest out, you just pull your shoulder blades down. You want your head straight, not tilted. You don’t want to be leaning.

And then finally, still. Many of us, when we’re nervous, we rock side to side or sway forward and back. I’m not saying be rigid, but if you hold a posture of big, balanced, and still, that portrays confidence. And if you add questions as a way to engage and to start, then you’ve got your audience with you. You’re not talking at them, you’re talking with them. And those two are huge for anyone wishing to communicate, especially in high-stakes situations.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Got it. As you’re saying that, I’m thinking about something else, another concept that’s embedded into the notion of asking questions, and that’s the importance of tonality. Tell me a little bit about how you’ve worked with folks on tonality, particularly women, because as I’m sure you’re aware, women, when they’re often making statements, they can sometimes end those sentences on an up note, which makes their statement sound like a question, which undermines the validity of what they’re trying to say. I’m curious, do you have any insights there?

Matt Abrahams: Well, you are being very insightful by bringing up this notion of tone and tonality. And tone and tonality refer to two different things. One is what you’re talking about, which is the way the voice sounds. But there’s also the tone, the intensity, the emotion, and both are important. Let me talk about the latter first. There’s an old acting technique, and by no means am I an actor, but when there’s a tone, an emotional tone you want to convey, it’s really important to do two things.

Actors are taught, “Think of a time in your life where that emotion or tone played out, and remind yourself of that before you speak.” So you put yourself, you immerse yourself in that. So if I want to be very solemn and concerned, I think about a time in my life where I was that way before I speak, and that just puts me in that moment. But you also want to name it.

Naming emotions are important, especially if they’re authentic. So you might say, I’m really excited to be here. You demonstrate it, but you also say it, and that’s important. So that’s the emotional tone. In terms of vocal characteristics, as you’re discussing, you’re right. Sometimes people’s volume goes up at the end of sentences, up talk, which makes it sound less assertive. Sometimes people get really quiet at the end of their sentences, which makes you sound uncertain.

So the key here is working on breath. We do these things out of habit, often because we’re running out of breath. Many of us, when we get nervous, we breathe shallow. You can hear how my voice sounds different, can’t you? I’m breathing shallow now, and I have to take more breaths, and I might get quiet at the end of the sentence, or my voice might go up because I’m just running out of breath.

So if we breathe lower and slower, we have more control. The single best way to work on your breath is to read out loud. We all have a tremendous amount of things to read. It’s our email, our technical specs. There’s lots to read. Take five minutes a day and read what you normally read, but just read it out loud. And the reason reading out loud is so important is, one, you’re vocalizing as you do when you speak, but because the words are in front of you, you can actually focus on your breath.

And you can think about,“Where am I breathing from? What’s my voice sound like at the end of my sentences?” And then, if you’re really brave, record yourself and listen, and you’ll begin to hear your habits. But by reading out loud, you build vocal stamina. Just like if you’re an athlete, you need to build stamina, you need to build the ability to speak for long periods of time. And that breath control allows you to control what your voice does at the beginning or ending of your sentences.

Athena Koutsonikolas: Wow. I have to say, Matt, this is definitely a full-circle moment for me. Like I said, at the beginning of our discussion today, I’ve long since been a fangirl of your work.

Matt Abrahams: Oh, thank you.

Athena Koutsonikolas: And I’ve really enjoyed the conversation today. I’ve learned so much, as I’m sure our listeners have as well. So I’d like to thank you for all the wonderful insights, for spreading your wisdom with the community. I know that these are all incredibly helpful tips that communicators around the world can benefit from. So thank you again. Folks, I’m Athena Koutsonikolas. I really hope you enjoyed this episode of Aspire to Inspire with Matt Abrahams, and be sure to join us again.

Matt Abrahams: Thank you.